AND not BUT

by | Mar 4, 2016 | Journal

This post is from The Coach’s Corner which is part of the March issue of my monthly eMagazine, The Leading Edge, for small business owners and entrepreneurs. Often we get stuck in how we say things not realizing the impact of the words on others. Think back to a time when someone was giving you feedback about something you had done. It begins sounding nice and supportive and then the word “BUT” is inserted. You know what happens. You hear the word “BUT” and you think, ‘Oh oh, what’s next?’ You suddenly feel a little deflated and may actually forget what the first part was about. BUT is one of those words that shut down communication. Rather than being supportive and encouraging, it is competing for the two truths in a statement. Susan Scott, author of Fierce Conversations, suggests that we substitute the word BUT with AND. She talks about multiple realities competing when the word BUT is used. There are two truths, I own one and you own the other, and when BUT is inserted there is a loser. “I love what you’ve done, but…” “I love what you’ve done and…” See how different the start of these two statements feel without even knowing what’s next. “I know you want an extension, but the deadline is approaching.” This statement contains two truths where the second competes with and overrides the first. No negotiation or even consideration. “I know you want an extension and the deadline is approaching.” This statement comprises two truths of which both are balanced. What can we figure out here? It may seem awkward at...